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Bathroom Palacial
I had to play a joke on the maid at a hotel where I was staying. You know that little paper wrapper they place over the toilet seat, that thin paper band that is supposed to convince you that the facility is clean. You normally take the paper band...
GRANDPA ALWAYS SAID, 'THE DEVIL IS IN DE TALES'
"When in polite society," my grandfather opined, "never talk about religion or politics." Then he would dismiss himself from said "polite society" and talk about nothing but religion and politics. Mostly, he talked about politics and believe me, he...
IT'S JEST JANUARY!
Copyright "The Quipping Queen" 2005. CALENDAR OF ODD EVENTS - JAN. 2005 -- Eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in January 2005 -- **Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon January is, to put it bluntly,...
Old Sparky! Needlephobia, Nerve Conduction Tests, and Electromyelograms
I felt queasy contemplating the nerve conduction test and
electromyelogram (EMG) I was about to have. The nerve conduction
test involves taping electrodes to the skin and sending a small
jolt of electric current to them. During the EMG, the...
Santa For A Day
The year was 1981. I was eighteen years old. Much too young to be Santa Claus, right? Especially with my short skinny self. Right? Wrong! It’s all my fault. I can blame nobody else. I was the one who opened my big mouth, and I paid the price. I was...
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Top 10 Things to make your next company meeting more exciting Part 2
Top 10 Things to make your next company meeting more exciting Part 2
10. Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up and apologize profusely.
9. Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them "doctor's orders."
8. Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she "not hurt you anymore."
7. Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared.
6. Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.
5. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal.
Ask it to clarify difficult points.
4. Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain that it helps you concentrate.
3. At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply.
2. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
1. Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting while saying, “You can never be too safe.”
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